How Childhood Emotional Neglect Translates Into Adulthood

               

 

                  Adults who experienced childhood emotional neglect (and more) tend to grow into adults who do not value their own feelings. Unable to process and regulate their emotions properly, these people tend to self-sabotage healthy relationships and find themselves triggered over things that others would consider normal (such as conflict resolution, confrontation, etc). They may put their needs below those around them and consider their own emotions worthless or disgusting. They may have a deep internal disgust for their own intimacy and relationship needs and they may develop avoidant attachment tendencies. They tend to develop a low self-esteem and low self-worth, date below their standards and don’t push for the things that they truly want out of life. They tend to live in survival mode as they were taught as a child and just never climbed out of… yet. (It's me, I'm talking about me, btw :).)

A lot of us become caregivers or parents before recognizing these traits in ourselves and then vowing to change. Sometimes, it helps to see a little version of us begging to be loved and other times, its triggering as all hell. Either one is valid. All of your feelings are valid, whether you’re a caregiver or not and whether you are triggered or not. One of the biggest parts of change for me was this first step: realizing that nothing was wrong with me, it was not my fault and that change is possible in small steps, not drastic proclamations.

If you are an adult who suffered from childhood emotional neglect, these affirmations may be helpful in your journey. In the earlier, trickier parts of my healing journey, I started using affirmations to train my inner voice how to be a littler nicer. 

-Emotional neglect is not my fault and my reactions to it are valid.

-I am human and react as any human would when they have survived what I survived.

-Emotional rejection is not my fault.

-I am allowed to have human needs and there is nothing wrong with desiring intimacy.

 

A lot of times, those of us who came from neglectful and/or abusive childhoods, deep down desire a loving and fulfilling life full of people who validate and love us, we just don’t always know how to get there (again, it's me. I'm talking about me.). Choosing to heal is the first step in that journey and it is a bold and courageous step. 

 

PS: If you’re like me and hate the words “nurture”, “reparent” and others, then write them down. These are immediate indicators of triggers that need to be worked on. For me, the word “nurturing” used to make my skin crawl all the way up until I began nurturing myself with my own inner voice. It’s amazing what reframing our thought process can do: going from listening to the inner critic who kept us safe for so long to listening to a new voice that we discover was inside all along: the parent we knew we needed. It’s a long process but if I can make progress, so can you. 

So - literally, how it translates into adulthood? Here's the list that might kick you in the guts. Beware! It got me the first time, too. 

 

Common Traits of Adults Whose Needs Were Not Met in Childhood:

 

• Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
• Inappropriate reactions to minor inconveniences
• Constant survival mode mindset
• Hypersensitivity to rejection and a fear of rejection
• Trust issues
• Inability to form deep emotional bonds
• Suppression of negative emotions (or those deemed negative)
• Finding it challenging to express emotions and communicate effectively
• Not knowing what they need out of a relationship
• Emotional regulation difficulties, emotional numbing and/or emotional outbursts
• Anxiety and stress, inappropriate responses to stress
• Self-Isolation
• Avoidance of emotions, confrontation and self-isolation to protect ourselves from possible future emotional pain
• Deep feeling of being different from others
• Seeking validation from outside sources: social media, dating below standards (so we can prove we are worthy of love), friends who we know aren’t good for us, acting irrationally and sometimes, attention-getting behaviors that later leave us feeling twinges of regret and disgust
• Substance abuse and alcoholism. Other addictions apply, as well

 

No matter what your individual struggle is, I think it goes without saying that just showing up for yourself by reading is enough. You've already started your healing journey. Let's take it to the next step. Here's some journaling prompts for this week and here's my personal journal pieces from doing them, myself:

 

What fills your cup up?

When I feel heard, seen and validated from people that I like, I feel full and overflowing with love. When I feel needed and wanted around, I overflow. I don't have either as an option for me, right now. The options I have available that *help* fill my cup are: spending time in nature, taking good care of my body, and expressing myself creatively. 

 

What do you do that makes you feel light, free and peaceful?

Being outside and making artwork! 

 

What makes you feel joy?

I feel joy when I make other people laugh. 

 

Take a blank lined piece of paper and draw a line down the center. On one side, write “DRAINING” and on the other side, write “REPLENISHING”. Over the course of 2-3 days, take notes of what you notice drains your energy sources and what refills your energy sources. 

 

DRAINING : 

-Thinking about the past

-Fantasizing about the future

-Spending time locked in my thoughts instead of taking action.

 

REPLENISHING:

-Inspired action

-Exercising

-Feeling productive and creative

-Spending time with good people

-Reading other people's stories, identifying