The Definition of Childhood Emotional Neglect

          If you were to type into Google "define: childhood emotion neflect", a lot of different options might pop up but the main definition of it is simply this: the failure of a child’s emotional needs being met.

Human beings come in all shapes and sizes and alike, so do our experiences. In my case, I like to think of my experiences like a complete seasoning: with a ton of other things mixed in. For that, you’ll have to tailor these words and many others that you read to fit your own narrative and life. For some of us, that's natural to do. For others, it might take a bit of re-reading to fully tailor another's story to your experience. 

In my childhood, when I was being abused by my older sibling, the emotional neglect came from our parents' inability to stop what they were doing and pay attention to my distress. When my emotional distress was laughed at or shrugged off, I internalized the idea that it didn't matter and worse, that some people enjoyed watching someone's feelings be hurt. Due to that (and sometimes, a lack of attentiveness at all), I formed a deep disgust for my own feelings and grew into a woman who thought that being emotional was a weakness. For so many years, I didn’t know that our feelings are what makes us… us.

And if that’s the only thing that’s heard from this part of the blog, then so be it; it’s probably what’s most important. Our feelings make us who we are and help us discover things that we like and dislike. What else would life be if we didn't have the ability to somehow communicate with our body what is pleasant or not? What would life be if discomfort and comfort did not exist?

Oftentimes, some of us may find ourselves unable to pursue hobbies and other activities simply because we can’t figure out if we actually like them or not (further explained below).

It's no genius idea that the experiences we have in childhood form our outlook on the world, on people and on our own place in both. Children who aren’t cared for properly and not taught how to manage their emotions, even the big ones, oftentimes grow into functional adults who struggle to find fulfilment and joy.

To help you start to notice the experiences that shaped your view of the world and of yourself, I’ve put together this list of possible circumstances of emotional neglect in childhood. Some are common and others are not. Are there any others that you can think of?

CIRCUMSTANCES OF EMOTIONAL NEGLECT:

• Parents or caregivers who define themselves as “not nurturing” or you can define them as “not nurturing”.
• Lack of hugs and physical affection.
• Fear based teachings such as hyper-Christianity (“you do the right thing or you will burn in a pit of fire”). 
• Lack of acceptance for individuality.
• Inconsistent caregiving: sometimes your feelings are validated and other times, they are not or worse, laughed at.
• In reference to above, a caregiver stating publicly “oh, sorry, she’s/he’s just emotional”.
• Lack of engagement.
• Failure to protect. (**In my case, my parents failed to protect me from their other child and unable to find safety in them, I learned to despise authority and structure, viewing it all as threatening and not as helpful.***)
• Constant criticism. Ties into lack of acceptance, as well. 
• Inappropriate independence. This can look like a child who tends to their own needs far too young or also like a child who is placed in a caregivers position for younger siblings.
• Lack of encouragement.
• Failure to validate the child’s emotions.
• Dismissal of the child’s feelings, needs and emotions.
• Being told to go to your room or to be quiet when you expressed “intense emotions” such as sadness, anger or frustration. (**For me, I was taught “self-control” and my mother would have me sit with my hands held until I stopped being angry. She would not speak with me during my “anger fits” and she would not help me through them. Her lesson on self-control turned into an ability to repress anger, rage and frustration until it exploded out of me.**)
• Lack of shared celebration. Positive emotions being zapped by negative comments. This oftentimes comes from a narcissistic parent or one who is jealous of their own children (sometimes stems from their own lack of needs being met as a child).
• Family isolation. 
• Failure to find a solution when a child is under emotional distress.
• Not acknowledging hard emotions such as grief after losing a pet.

Now, no parent is perfect and that's a fact. Some of us are parents, ourselves. I know I am. I know I've already made a crap-load of mistakes that I wish I could take back. But the point is that we are learning from the mistakes we've made, parent or not. Here we are, taking control of our lives from the roots up and deciding what's best for us. Now, I think that's something to be proud of.

Everytime I write a blog post, I like to include a journaling prompt that I’ve used to help me heal myself. Sometimes it’s super relevant and other times, it might not be. Either way, if it’s helped me, I’m sharing it. If you feel compelled to, why not answer it yourself in your own journal? Could help. You never know. Thanks for joining me on this journey of learning about childhood emotional neglect and self-healing.

Currently, I’m on year 2 of dedicated healing and have just now been able to fully open up to a therapist about my core wounds and the likes. I’m still in the trenches and this is my first time writing a blog. Please have some grace if I’m not doing something up to blog-standards and remember, I’m sharing my story in hopes you’ll be inspired by my words and/or that what helps heal me could help heal you.

Happy journeying, friend.

What is 1 moment you can safely reflect on and identify as a possible core memory?

When I was 6 and wasn’t allowed dinner with the family after a long and hard day of standing my ground (then folding), I learned that the truth doesn’t always win. That inspired my silence as well as established a net of safety around lies, deceit or just taking the blame. The truth is, that day, my sister had hurt me and I was just hungry and wanted to stop being grounded for the fact that we were saying opposite truths. She insisted she hadn't hit me. I insisted that she had. In the end, I caved because I was only six and she was thirteen. Humbly accepting my punishment and sleeping on the sofa that night, I had to listed to the family have a good and happy dinner together. 

As a grown adult, I find it hard still to not point fingers the second something goes wrong – even at myself. Sometimes, I'm looking for someone to blame when nothing has gone wrong. I think I'm just scared of the truth being that I'm actually at fault somehow and that I've done something terrible, I just don't know what it is. 

(F*** my blood family for that, by the way).

Can you identify one moment that altered your sense of the world? If so how do you think that situation should have played out and what would your view of the world possibly be if it had gone that way?

I'm grateful for this experience. I think I've written about this before, but not certain. I certainly will write about it again. When I was about 8, I think, we went to a homeschool book convention and my sister kicked me in front of a few of her teenage friends. I remember crying and looking at them, thinking "surely one of them has to say something, right?" and so, when my mom came back, I told her and I said: "they all saw it," but they all just shook their heads "no" at my mom. I remember feeling a pit in my stomach drop. I remember feeling a lost hope for the world. I remember thinking that most people are not good and that most people are not safe. When mom sighed and said under her breath: "I don't have time for this bullsh** today," I felt myself sink even lower into my body. Not only had they not stood up for me, I now had ruined mom's day. 

Had this not happened, I think I would have formed too much co-dependency on others. I think I would not have become as independent as I am today if I hadn't learned early on how complacent most people are. I think I would have fallen into a trap of believing my mother was safer than she is and letting her in on my mental state. I think that would have been more damaging given that I had to go no-contact for healing many years later.