Body Map

When I was very new to healing, the idea of a “body map” sounded boring, childish and beneath me. That was until I realized that I didn’t know how or where I felt emotions. It was only upon near completion of my own body map that I realized: it was a necessary part of reparenting myself.

Though I’d given healing a sincere effort, time and time again, it wasn’t until life slowed down enough that I was able to start noticing the sensations in my body and take note, whether physical or mental.

Learning how to apply this body map to my daily life has been a downright struggle. Having never been taught emotional regulation skills as a child, my large emotions as a grown-up would run my life and I would just be along for the ride.

Noticing how anger starts with scrunched eyebrows, a rapid heartbeat and a feeling of heat in my cheeks was a great start. All too familiar with anger, sadness and emptiness, those were the easiest ones to start recognizing. Now, applying techniques to regulate them would come at another time. Just the act of noticing where these emotions are felt was enough for now.

A crucial step into the healing journey is to learn where your emotions are and how they interact with your body, I'd found. Your body is always trying to give you clues to your well-being and it wants to live a happy, fulfilled life too. By choosing to listen to these clues, you become an active participant in your own life and for some of us, it may be one of your first experiences with that. I know that was the case for me. 

Oddly enough, I chose to come back and edit this blog post about six months after writing it initially (very typical of me) and I wanted to update a little bit. The body map isn't something that I use regularly anymore but it did stay posted on my bedroom wall for quite some time (I'm a bedroom kid, I spend almost all my time in my room as an adult). 

Looking back, I can see how detrimental this phase was to getting to where I am now. I've gotten a new therapist recently who is the exact opposite of what I'd typically consider a safe person. I've caught myself over the course of a few months "testing her" in ways I didn't even know I was doing subconciously. I would say something vulnerable and wait for her reaction, to see if it was safe to say that or not. 

This past week, I'd had one hell of a time of it. On a Friday, my only friend texted me something that I completely took to heart. So, stepping outside of my own life for a second to unbiasedly say this, let me explain.

She was having a hard time being single. She'd been single for about six months, was living with family and said she felt like a life without love was pointless.

Looking at my own life (which I shouldn't have done since the comment wasn't directed at me), I got triggered as crap. Not only had I been single for five years, I've never been loved by anyone other than my kids. And they're biologically programmed to love me! Yes, I've worked on creating bonds but the point remains.

I wasn't born into a loving family. Love doesn't act the way my blood family does. Love isn't mean. Love isn't cruel. Abusive. Neglectful.

I know what love means to me and I've never experienced it. I've never received without having to earn. I've never known it. Is my life suddenly worthless?

Well, instead of talking it through with that friend, I decided our time had come to an end and I ended the friendship. Is this what I should've done? 

No. And I know that. I knew it then. I should've given it time and figured out why I was triggered, talked to her about it (if I wanted to) and let the connection fizzle out if I really still wanted to step away from the friendship after a day or two. 

Instead, I reacted. My body gave me signals the entire time. Anxiety felt like a racing heart and a racing mind. It felt like a cold sensation behind my eyes, an impending dread in the bottom of my stomach and a feeling like the ball was about to drop and it was heavy. 

Because of having drawn out a body map early in my healing journey, I was able to name the feelings for what they were. I was able to separate myself from them. I wasn't able to stop myself from reacting and that's okay. Afterwards, I realized what I'd done and was grateful we'd only just become friends and it was a very low-stakes connection to start with. Knowing my ability to flippantly toss people away is one of the reasons I'm in therapy. It's one of the reasons I'll probably always be in therapy. 

Some wounds are so deep, they take a lifetime to heal from. You're never on the wrong timeline, or so I've learned. Everytime I think I'm falling behind, I get a day where I can clearly see leaps and bounds growth and I'm grateful I get the chance to share it.

As for the body map, it's not a great outline but I posted one here so if you have access to a printer or can screengrab and use an editor to add lines and emotions, you can get started on your own body map. Otherwise, just draw a little stick figure on a paper and do it that way, circling where an emotion is felt and writing the the side the name of the emotion and the actual sensations felt. That's what I did to post on my wall early in 2025. 

While this might have been what childhood should have been like for us: a fun learning experience where we discover ourselves and what we like, don’t like and how to react to certain things… that wasn’t the case. Instead, we weren’t given the option to have a good childhood. We were neglected. With that, the choice to nurture oneself now is remarkably brave and should not be overlooked. You are a strong and capable human and for that, you should give yourself a huge pat on the back. If no one else tells you today, tell yourself that you’re proud and grateful for all you’ve accomplished, even if it’s just surviving. After a lifetime of survival and lack, this is the very least you can do for yourself. It’s really a beautiful thing that you’ve chosen to heal. You deserve it.